27 April 2009
I feel so stressed out of nowhere...
The commitments I need to have/make to certain peoples and things...
My family as a daughter..
My job as a worker..
A girlfriend for my partner...
and many more...
But these are a few of them I have to commit to.
It's not easy. Everyone don't compromise. Make me to a corner without enough air to breathe. So difficult. I don't look at things very positively. But I'm trying to. My head for all such issues are block-headed. I don't know what to do...
The very first issue is going msia to attend my cousin's wedding, I'm working... I can't go.. I hope my cousin understand me.
The second issue, for me not to go out and have fun, not to go Malaysia to meet up with my friends and do whatever I want, my boyfriend... I know he will be unhappy if I am like this...
The third issue, planned a Song Kran trip to Bangkok on last year December, I couldn't make it. Because the same thing, I'm working... I'm unable to leave the country and have fun like this as I have not learn anything yet from the shop.
The fourth issue, my grandmother wanna go Aussie to visit my auntie. She missed my auntie alot. I was ordered to go with my grandmother cause no one else are able to go over with her first. I guess no one feel safe to let her go herself. Me and him quarreled over this issue. I feel that I have not enough oxygen to breathe. Nothing else I can say. Because I'm in fault again...
I really don't know what to do, I go. No one is happy. I don't go, I think even worst. My grandmother... I'm worried for both side. But it seems like no one knows my difficulties... It's all my fault... :(
The commitments I need to have/make to certain peoples and things...
My family as a daughter..
My job as a worker..
A girlfriend for my partner...
and many more...
But these are a few of them I have to commit to.
It's not easy. Everyone don't compromise. Make me to a corner without enough air to breathe. So difficult. I don't look at things very positively. But I'm trying to. My head for all such issues are block-headed. I don't know what to do...
The very first issue is going msia to attend my cousin's wedding, I'm working... I can't go.. I hope my cousin understand me.
The second issue, for me not to go out and have fun, not to go Malaysia to meet up with my friends and do whatever I want, my boyfriend... I know he will be unhappy if I am like this...
The third issue, planned a Song Kran trip to Bangkok on last year December, I couldn't make it. Because the same thing, I'm working... I'm unable to leave the country and have fun like this as I have not learn anything yet from the shop.
The fourth issue, my grandmother wanna go Aussie to visit my auntie. She missed my auntie alot. I was ordered to go with my grandmother cause no one else are able to go over with her first. I guess no one feel safe to let her go herself. Me and him quarreled over this issue. I feel that I have not enough oxygen to breathe. Nothing else I can say. Because I'm in fault again...
I really don't know what to do, I go. No one is happy. I don't go, I think even worst. My grandmother... I'm worried for both side. But it seems like no one knows my difficulties... It's all my fault... :(
21 April 2009
我问为什麼 那女孩传简讯给我
而你为什麼 不解释 低著头沉默
我该相信你很爱我 不愿意敷衍我
还是明白你已不想挽回什么
想问为什麼 我不再是你的快乐
可是为什麼 却苦笑说我都懂了
自尊常常将人拖著把爱都走曲折
假装了解是怕 真相太赤裸裸
狼狈比失去难受
我怀念的是无话不说
我怀念的是一起做梦
我怀念的是争吵以後
还是想要爱你的冲动
我记得那年生日
也记得那一首歌
记得那片星空 最紧的右手
最暖的胸口
(谁记得) 谁忘了
我怀念的是无言感动
我怀念的是绝对炽热
我怀念的是你很激动
求我原谅抱得我都痛
我记得你在背後
我记得我颤抖著
记得感觉汹涌
最美的烟火 最长的相拥
谁爱的太自由
谁过头太远了
谁要走我的心
谁忘了那就是承诺
谁自顾自地走
谁忘了看着我
谁让爱变沉重
谁忘了要给你温柔
(我怀念的) 我还有想要爱你的冲动
我记得那年生日 也记得那一首歌
记得那片星空
最紧的右手 最暖的胸口
我放手 我让座 假洒脱
谁懂我多麼不舍得
太爱了 所以我
没有哭 没有说
LOST.
而你为什麼 不解释 低著头沉默
我该相信你很爱我 不愿意敷衍我
还是明白你已不想挽回什么
想问为什麼 我不再是你的快乐
可是为什麼 却苦笑说我都懂了
自尊常常将人拖著把爱都走曲折
假装了解是怕 真相太赤裸裸
狼狈比失去难受
我怀念的是无话不说
我怀念的是一起做梦
我怀念的是争吵以後
还是想要爱你的冲动
我记得那年生日
也记得那一首歌
记得那片星空 最紧的右手
最暖的胸口
(谁记得) 谁忘了
我怀念的是无言感动
我怀念的是绝对炽热
我怀念的是你很激动
求我原谅抱得我都痛
我记得你在背後
我记得我颤抖著
记得感觉汹涌
最美的烟火 最长的相拥
谁爱的太自由
谁过头太远了
谁要走我的心
谁忘了那就是承诺
谁自顾自地走
谁忘了看着我
谁让爱变沉重
谁忘了要给你温柔
(我怀念的) 我还有想要爱你的冲动
我记得那年生日 也记得那一首歌
记得那片星空
最紧的右手 最暖的胸口
我放手 我让座 假洒脱
谁懂我多麼不舍得
太爱了 所以我
没有哭 没有说
LOST.
20 April 2009
I received a grievous news from Feifei and Jonathan.
A cold feeling just run through my body.
Memories of Purple & the girls of Shin8 having fun..playing games and drinks... Whenever I saw him in Shin8, he will ask.. why so long never see you already? got bf? or what? then trying to joke around with the rest.
I asked Jon, what exactly happened? He told me, Purple went home after his jog, took a nap and never wake up again.. It's so scary.. you won't know what will happen next to your friends and your loved ones..
I wanted to know so much the reason why.
He died young and just got married few months back. And now, this happened. Hopefully, his wife stay strong and pull through this period of time.. Its part & parcel of life. Jon smsed everyone to come down and see him for the last time. Sigh..
His funeral starts from tonight till thursday..
He will always be remembered.
Our dearest friend Purple is now safe & sound
with the company of god & angelic.
Called to heaven 19th Jan 2009
Forever loved & fondly missed by us.
Went to watch Fast & Furious 4 with MQ, I don't wanna stay at home. I will think a lot of rubbish. Even waiting for bus for 15mins, so many shit went thru my head. Flashbacks... I hate it. But I couldn't stop myself not to. I'm like a normal person while I'm outside.. Happily enjoying.. and when I'm home. I tried to get myself into sleep.. I eat sleeping pill. It still can't help.
He smsed: Happier now?
I replied: Why? How's your conscience?
He replied again: Bad.
I asked: About what?
He replied: the whole thing.
Love is something you cannot control. How can you not into it when it just started? How am I able not into it when I want to know my partner more? Be heartless, so that you won't feel the pain? I hate being like this. It's almost 4am. I can't get into sleep.
He leave it to me how I wanna think. Everything seems like my fault. I went through every single sms he sent when I want to delete it.. before we got together. He's so nice and sweet. But after that... he's so strict and cold blooded. Everything changed. SHIT HAPPENS. I HATE IT!!!!!!!!!
He smsed: Happier now?
I replied: Why? How's your conscience?
He replied again: Bad.
I asked: About what?
He replied: the whole thing.
Love is something you cannot control. How can you not into it when it just started? How am I able not into it when I want to know my partner more? Be heartless, so that you won't feel the pain? I hate being like this. It's almost 4am. I can't get into sleep.
He leave it to me how I wanna think. Everything seems like my fault. I went through every single sms he sent when I want to delete it.. before we got together. He's so nice and sweet. But after that... he's so strict and cold blooded. Everything changed. SHIT HAPPENS. I HATE IT!!!!!!!!!
Old pain doesn't completely die. Time may soothe it, stroke over it until it looks like it has healed, but it never dies properly. It stays with you, it lives in the cracks of your soul, waiting for moments when you feel true pain. Other people has hurt me several times over the years. I'd cried, I'd ached, I'd grieved with varying degrees of intensity.
I wanted to talk so much yet he doesn't want to talk. I didn't know anything.
I lost track of what he's thinking or doing. Or should I say, I have never understand him before?
I have not been sleeping for 32hours and got a afternoon nap for 4 hours only.. I thought I would sleep longer than 4 hours. I'm just like a superwoman now, don't have to sleep and I'm so awake.. . I'm so glad to have friends around me. Although I'm terribly upset, they are still be there for me and comfort me. I feel good. Thanks to MingQuan and my ex colls...
Friend ever told me, because of one tree.. you let go of the whole jungle. I thought it would work out by doing this. I don't mind. I rather try than I didn't try and regret like before. Ended up, do I deserve this kind of treatments? I didn't done anything sorry to him. Why do he need to treat me this way? What if I didn't try to tame down and be like what I used to be? Drink, club and enjoy everyday... What will be the outcome? I don't love to quarrel.. I wish to know everything of him as a gf.. Whenever I'm out with my friends, I would think of him.. wondering have he taken his dinner? etc...
I've learned from him that sacrifice is to be made and he's not sad or sorry about it. I stand nowhere in his heart, not even as a gf. Do he have any guilty conscience by treating me this way?
It hurts... I got treated like a big bloody fool outta nowhere by him.. his "cousin".. but actually his ex gf. A very long story that I've experienced. I got into his life at the wrong time and the wrong situation.. Or I shouldn't have get into his life at all... It's not fair... but what done is already done. Life still goes on.. It's just a dream..
I wanted to talk so much yet he doesn't want to talk. I didn't know anything.
I lost track of what he's thinking or doing. Or should I say, I have never understand him before?
I have not been sleeping for 32hours and got a afternoon nap for 4 hours only.. I thought I would sleep longer than 4 hours. I'm just like a superwoman now, don't have to sleep and I'm so awake.. . I'm so glad to have friends around me. Although I'm terribly upset, they are still be there for me and comfort me. I feel good. Thanks to MingQuan and my ex colls...
Friend ever told me, because of one tree.. you let go of the whole jungle. I thought it would work out by doing this. I don't mind. I rather try than I didn't try and regret like before. Ended up, do I deserve this kind of treatments? I didn't done anything sorry to him. Why do he need to treat me this way? What if I didn't try to tame down and be like what I used to be? Drink, club and enjoy everyday... What will be the outcome? I don't love to quarrel.. I wish to know everything of him as a gf.. Whenever I'm out with my friends, I would think of him.. wondering have he taken his dinner? etc...
I've learned from him that sacrifice is to be made and he's not sad or sorry about it. I stand nowhere in his heart, not even as a gf. Do he have any guilty conscience by treating me this way?
It hurts... I got treated like a big bloody fool outta nowhere by him.. his "cousin".. but actually his ex gf. A very long story that I've experienced. I got into his life at the wrong time and the wrong situation.. Or I shouldn't have get into his life at all... It's not fair... but what done is already done. Life still goes on.. It's just a dream..
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2nd Oct
Libra
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